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EASTER SUNDAY- THE DAY JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND THE DAY I THOUGHT OF SUICIDE


I believe in the opinion that everyone has thought of suicide, and you can argue, but you know deep down, something may have happened to you to make you say, “I’m going to end it all.”

But let’s talk about something that happened to me. Now, this article is not to scare you, or to make me seem easily influenced by the other voice. It is to remind you of three things.

One, bottling emotions is not good. 

Two, the role of caregiving for someone with a disability is not something that is your sole responsibility.

Three, the devil is a bastard. 

Okay, let's get into it. If you’ve been following my space, you probably know that I have a brother with Autism. As much as it is a beautiful experience, it is very scary. Whenever my brother is coming to the house from school, we ‘Tobi-proof’ the house, meaning that we have to hide some things, lock some things up, and it is quite a lot. 

See also: Choosing Love as a neurotypical sibling

Long story short. I had a meltdown on Sunday. I was so tired- physically and mentally. 

I had a conference a week ago that God had basically told me to do; After the prophecy had been fulfilled, I was supposed to be glad and itching to do more for God. But I wanted to close everything down, including the Your Safe Space NG group that I had worked hard to get people to.

I didn’t want to help siblings of special needs; I didn’t even care about anyone, or anything, but ending my pain. 

The devil was out for me, and I knew it.

Fast-forward to Saturday. I made up my mind that I was going to stay at home and not go to church to pray to God for the sacrifice he made for me. My mom asked me to follow her and my brother to church because she had to go to the market afterwards. I did, and while I was in church, all that was on my mind was hurting myself. 

See also: The Unseen Mental Health Challenges Faced by Caregivers of Individuals with disabilities

Don’t be scared. These things happen, especially if you’re involved in special needs. Many people have had suicidal thoughts for themselves and the people they take care of. I had made jokes about suicide before, but never actually gave in to it. But Sunday was a day that I considered to be the best option.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s what the devil told me.

After I sent a terrifying message to my friend, she called my other friends. One of my best friends told me that I’m thinking the caregiving responsibility is on me. Honestly, I used to think that this was all on me. One of the things the devil tried to make me feel was that I was alone and nobody would ever understand how I was feeling. 

He will try to pull you away from others and the truth by painting imagery in your head. It is a weak move, but we already know that he has plans to stop what God has planned for us. 

And I do have great things to do for God. I have to be alive for that to happen. The Devil’s tactic is basically separating you by feeding you lies and reminding you of past hurt. Do not ever think you’re alone. One of the things I was expecting from God was His Word. I wanted him to say something, to do something about the pain I was feeling, and he was not. 

See also: My Greatest Fear: My Future role of Caregiving

God is never silent, and how he always seems to be on time, it blows my mind. He sent my friends to heal me. You’re not alone. God is with you, and he has the best people for you. 

Don’t listen to that voice telling you to end it all. It may seem like the best option, something to end all your pain, but think of the pain everyone would feel about you leaving this world before your time. 

God never leaves you, so do not ever think of leaving him or this world. You are needed.

Like someone said to me, ‘You’re priceless’

The devil sees it and is on a 24-hour task to make you believe you’re not. I hope you surround yourself with people who love you and remind you of how priceless and loved you are by God. 

You are priceless. 

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