If I had to sum up last month, it would be about caregiving and how much it honestly scared me.
If you didn’t already know, I have a brother with Autism, he’s my world. Last month was Autism Awareness Month. While many posted about awareness or inclusion and called out those who mocked people with disabilities, I was focused on my life and how caregiving was slowly getting into the picture.
I thought about the daily commitment, the fears, and the responsibilities of loving and supporting someone with special needs. And for a long time, I found myself terrified.
Cue the horror music.
My brother is going to be 25, and while I thank God for his life, it also makes me think about milestones, what he hasn’t done yet, what he’s doing now, and what life could be like in the next few years.
A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with my dad, and for the first time, he was vulnerable and opened up,” What happens when I die?”
As usual, as the priest in my home, I encouraged him: “We will take care of Tobi. Everything will be alright. God is still working. Glorayyy”
After, I went to my room, played Kaestrings’ Rahama, and cried my eyes out. I meant to use the song to pray, but I ended up kneeling and crying for nine minutes straight with no words to say. When I finished, I wiped my tears and played “War Medley” by God in this music, dancing in my room as the spirit of joy possessed me. Then, I sat down, eating cinnamon rolls and watching Too Hot to Handle on Netflix.
Throughout April, that War medley became my go-to after praying, because it reminded me that God is in control.
Listen to this song here.
Honestly, things didn’t suddenly get better. I spent most of the month weighed down by decisions and unanswered questions.
As a recovering lover girl, I found myself scared of the aspect of marriage because I thought, “Who will understand this life?” Maybe somebody may, but at that point, I didn’t care about marriage or getting to know anyone. But I’ll leave that one to God. In my head, Tony Stark and I will always be together forever!
But despite the worries, this month showed me what it meant to be comforted by God. For years, I had been focused on men and their words of comfort, but you see the comfort from God… It was as though every time I knelt to pray, someone was sitting at the edge of my bed, watching me. It felt like I wasn’t alone, and truly, I’m not alone.
And my God, he understands! Because if I were to explain my dark thoughts to my friends, they would cook up a plan for me to go to a psychiatrist or for an emergency deliverance session. How I wish I were joking.
I want to encourage you if you’re going through something similar. God has started a good work, and he will bring it to completion; Through it all, I trust God to handle every part of my life and my brother’s life, too. Bottom line, there is nothing my worries can do. God’s creation has a Purpose, and everything is for good. Please cast your cares on him. He is not only the God who sent down fire, but the daddy who cares.
Have a wonderful May. May you have a great day. Get it? Like May, as in the month ‘May’, Dudeeee, Bovi has nothing on me. Don’t roll your eyes.
Love, Toyin, the one who is comforted by God always.
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